A Time to Treasure

Diagnosis: Trisomy 21

By Hada Devi's Mommy Samantha and Daddy Mos

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for the past 4 years. We have been to two fertility clinics and had tried almost everything. Now 39 years old, our next step was IVF. We met with our new fertility specialist and were waiting for my next period so that I could repeat my HSG (hysterosalpingogram.)

I never got a period and I thought that there was no way I could be pregnant. Five days after missing my period I decided to purchase a pregnancy test and was stunned that the test was positive. I did not believe the test and did not tell my husband and purchased a second test which was also positive. I still did not tell my husband. I contacted my Doctor who did an HCG and confirmed that I was pregnant. I was over the moon. I could not believe that I was pregnant finally and naturally. My husband cried when I told him. We were so happy.

My doctor was so careful with us. We had repeated ultrasounds in the first trimester which showed that everything was okay. The baby was growing and everything was well. I was nauseous all through the first trimester. I was so scared that something was going to be wrong with this baby.

I had an ultrasound to determine the nuchal translucency which came back at 2.2mm and my doctor was not concerned. I did the screening for chromosomal abnormality and it came back positive for Down syndrome. I was devastated as was my husband. We were beside ourselves with grief and worry.

As health care professional working in an ICU at a pediatric hospital I knew what children with Trisomy 21 could possibly be exposed to. My husband and I discussed all the scenarios and decided that we did not want our child to have to suffer in any way. We also thought of the fact that when we pass away who would take care of our little one. If we did have another child then the fact that our baby maybe disabled could affect the life of the other child. Therefore, we made the decision that if there was any sort of chromosomal abnormality we would terminate the pregnancy. This was one of the most difficult decisions we have ever had to make. We wanted this baby very much. This was the one thing that was missing from our lives.

I kept hoping and praying that the baby was normal and there was nothing wrong. I started to feel little movements. At 22 weeks, I had an ultrasound which showed that there was no nasal bridge, my cervix was very short at 1.7cm and there was also low amniotic fluid. The ultrasound also confirmed that we were having a little girl, just what my husband wanted. I was devastated; I knew deep down that the baby did have Down’s syndrome. My husband and I were thrown into a state of grief. I tried to detach myself from my little girl which was so difficult because I could feel her move. The doctor decided that I should do an amniocentesis to confirm what was suspected.

On Thursday afternoon, the results confirmed that my baby girl had Trisomy 21 and the genetic counselor asked me what we would like to do. I said that we have decided to terminate. Since I was almost 23 weeks by the time everything was done, I was asked to come to the hospital on Friday morning. We could not sleep that night.

The next morning we were admitted to the hospital and the induction was started at 7 pm on Friday night. I started having contractions at about 9 pm. My angel Hada Devi was born September 8, 2012 at 2:20 am and confirmed passed away shortly after that. We cried and we laughed with her. We told her how much we loved and wanted her. Most of all we apologized to her and asked her forgiveness for possibly not letting her enjoy this world. After she passed away we bathed her and kept her with us, she was always in one of our arms, a time we will always treasure.

When I wrote this, It had been a week and a half since Hada returned to God to become an angel. I cry everyday and I am very scared that I will forget her even though I know that I will not. I look at her picture everyday and I talk to her still apologizing for what we did and reminding her that we both love her and miss her and we made the decision for her.

While this has been one of the most difficult times for us, we have grown as a couple. We are closer than we have ever been.

A little piece of me has died with Hada and I miss her everyday. I know it will get better over time but some days I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hada, we will always love you. We miss you so much.


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