Logan's Story

Diagnosis: Trisomy 18

By Logan's Mommy

I found out I was pregnant in January 2009. I was feeling "weird," so because I was heading out to pick up tissue paper for a baby shower gift (how ironic I was going to one that very day) I figured it wouldn't hurt to grab a test. I picked up a digital one (I didn't want ANY question) and was on my way. I took the test, walked away and readied the gift. I came back and looked. It said "pregnant." I walked away, thinking the "not" would show up; just the night before my husband and I had talked about not having children. I went back, and it was still just "pregnant." I've never been more scared in my life at that point!

I couldn't believe it. We weren't trying and to be honest, I had never gotten pregnant off of birth control before...and it had only been a month! Every time I told someone, I'd burst into tears, I just could not shake the feeling that something was terribly wrong. My husband was elated, family and friends couldn't contain themselves but I didn't feel right. My dad kept telling me to get "fat and happy" and to stop stressing, but nagging in the back of my mind was fear. I now know why.

I had two miscarriage scares with Logan in the beginning. I was in the ER with cramping, sent home because if I was losing him there was "nothing they could do." My hormone levels weren't quite right (too low, and again now we know why) and I was told it wasn't a viable pregnancy but lo and behold there WAS a heartbeat--they had my date messed up. Feelings of impending doom were written off as fear from the first couple months I'd been through.

My due date was October 15th, 5 days after my birthday and 2 after my parents' anniversary. Every visit to my OB brought an ultrasound and a listen to his heartbeat. Everything was going just fine. I started to relax a bit and allowed myself to register for some things online and buy some cute stuff. I was out of the danger zone...I had passed the 12 week mark! Then I had my Level 2 sonogram at 19 weeks...

It took about 45 minutes and the tech kept typing certain things over and over and looking at the same parts-his brain, heart, tummy and feet. She asked if we knew it was a boy and my husband was SO excited! He started texting and calling people about his son. But I sensed something wasn't right. I told him to get off the phone and LOOK! She left saying she needed the doctor to take more pictures.

After an hour he came in and said "See this? Could be a problem. See this? We'll come back to that." I felt panic start to rise. He wasn't telling me anything. He told me I needed an amnio and walked out. I refused it because he wasn't telling me what was going on. We did go to the genetic counselor and she told us (after two days of my crying and Googling the words they typed I saw Trisomy 18) that my fear was suspected--that they were thinking my little Logan had T-18. I told her that meant it was pretty much fatal. She said yes and said the only option I would have besides trying to carry to term was termination. My husband yelled at her "HE DOES NOT HAVE THIS STOP SCARING MY WIFE!"

I was hysterical. My husband was in denial and irate. He grabbed me and stormed out. I started sobbing as soon as we got out of the office. We got home. I couldn't move off the couch. He kept telling me they didn't know anything and our son was fine. I felt otherwise. I got an appointment for a second opinion. Two weeks later I was in another office, having them tell me that there were severe problems and I did the amnio. They told me that my baby wasn't OK, he wouldn't be and that it was chromosomal. We got the amnio results the Monday after. I wanted him more than anything in the world and loved him more than I even knew I was capable of. But nothing changed the diagnosis. My son Logan had had Trisomy 18. We decided to terminate at 22 weeks-it took three days. I cramped so badly the first two and all I could think was that I deserved it; that I was a horrible mommy for doing this. I couldn't fix him. No one could. It was the most gut-wrenching experience in my life.

We chose to have a D & E. I could not bear to see him. I was afraid that if I did I would never recover from it and my husband felt the same way. It's been 3 weeks since and it's now just hitting me. I feel this crushing pain unlike anything I've ever experienced. Before Logan, I didn't think I wanted children. Now it's all I can think about. I have a friend who is due exactly a month after I would have been. I was supposed to have her baby shower. I can't go now.

I don't know how I'll handle his due date. I drive by a pumpkin patch/Christmas tree place every day on the way to work and cry because I imagined bundling him up and taking him to get his first Christmas tree as a family. Or the little Halloween outfit I was going to buy (a bat because I called him my baby bat.) It's the pain of the loss of what could have been. And I struggle with the "why me?" And the "it's not fair!" Especially in the day and age we have now with all the teen pregnancy movies and shows. It's killing me. I'm married, almost 29, we both have careers and a nice place and amazing families...why my son? Why us? I know in my head it's nothing that we did, that it's random, but in my heart is another story. We have tons of friends who have either just had babies or are due soon. Why can't it be me?


Books on Loss and Grief

Our Heartbreaking Choices: Forty-Six Women Share Their Stories of Interrupting a Much-Wanted Pregnancy

The Dive :: A Memoir

A Time to Decide a Time to Heal: For Parents Making Difficult Decisions About Babies They Love

Precious Lives Painful Choices: A Prenatal Decision-Making Guide

Sunshine After the Storm: A Survival Guide for the Grieving Mother

Empty Cradle, Broken Heart, Revised Edition: Surviving the Death of Your Baby

Empty Arms: Coping With Miscarriage, Stillbirth and Infant Death

A Silent Sorrow: Pregnancy Loss

Unspeakable Losses: Healing From Miscarriage, Abortion, And Other Pregnancy Loss

Surviving Pregnancy Loss: A Complete Sourcebook for Women and Their Families

Difficult Decisions: For Families Whose Unborn Baby Has a Serious Problem

Books for Fathers, Family, Children and Friends

Couple Communication After a Baby Dies: Differing Perspectives

For Better or Worse: For Couples Whose Child Has Died

How to Say it When You Don't Know What to Say: The Right Words For Difficult Times

A Guide For Fathers: When A Baby Dies

When Your Friend's Child Dies: A Guide to Being a Thoughtful and Caring Friend

When Pregnancy Fails: Families Coping with Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Death

What You Can Say When You Don't Know What to Say: Reaching Out to Those Who Hurt

Books about Trying Again and Pregnancy after Loss

Journeys: Stories of Pregnancy After Loss

Trying Again: A Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss

Pregnancy After a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death